A lot has happened in the past 5 years.

Questions, confusions, and a brief history

If there's one thing I've learned about humans, it's this: people LOVE to talk about themselves. I am no exception, but usually I talk TO myself... about myself. Introspection is something that has served a grand purpose in my life. It has helped me heal from past hurts and has given me a rich inner world. But often, I find myself lonely because the idea of vulnerability scares me just about as much as my fear of dying.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

It comes easy to some people! Sharing yourself. Who wouldn't want to know more about you?! Yeah, those are probably not the people reading this blog. My people, most of you here reading this, are most likely often crippled by the fear of being known.

I'm no therapist, but I firmly believe that to every knee-jerk emotion or action, there is a core reason for a person's behavior. My past trauma is going to look different than yours, but every experience is valid.

Fear

One thing that has become glaringly obvious as I've come into my own self these past few years is that I am afraid of EVERYTHING.

- Movie Theaters (What if the seats are too small or there's a shooter?)

- Walmart (Too big, too loud, what's with all the fluorescent lights?)

- Human Interaction (Being a fat girl, I've had to prove that I'm worthy of human contact or respectful human interaction. Yes, good interactions outweigh the bad, but the bad interactions have stuck with me for a lifetime.)

- Etc. etc. etc.

What the heck?! But looking back, it all makes sense.

Anxiety and mental illness runs pretty rampant in my family, but you'd never know it. We're good at putting on a collectively brave face. It's not acknowledged, it's expected that when someone from outside the immediate family is there, you suck it up real quick and act like everything is normal. (You should see me at my 9 to 5. I'm an expert at shutting off my emotions when my boss walks in the door.)

Ok, okay, I get it. Don't make it awkward for the outsider. They don't want to hear your problems. They'll think you're really messed up. This could negatively effect your "personal rating" in other people's eyes. It could effect your job..

God, I'm so sick of it. I'm unhinged but I'm not hurting anyone! So get used to it or get out.

Flip Flopping

That last line ("...get used to it or get out) presents an opportunity to speak on one of my most frustrating qualities. My husband calls it flip-flopping, but I just call it "the way my brain thinks because of past trauma."

Often times, I'll begin to gain control of my own life, and my people-pleasing self takes a backseat to Badass Bitch. Badass Bitch knows who she is, what she wants, and isn't afraid to offend people. But when she makes an appearance, I constantly feel the need to apologize or de-dramatize what she has said in order to make other people more comfortable.

But this blog is about not holding back. So here she is, take her or leave her.

ANYWAYS!

A little history for those of you who don't know me yet. This is mostly for me, so skim or skip if you don't give a fuck.

90's baby. A true millennial at heart who's dreams of being a nomad were somewhat lived out in my early 20's. I don't know how my husband puts up with me, but he feels the same, so it all works out.

1990's -2009: Grew up in Ohio and Indiana. Down home, country folk, wonderful parents, wearing sundresses or running around naked in the countryside, digging in the dirt, Tomboy 100%. Charmed for the most part. However, with a small town comes small town religion. Indoctrinated from the time I was a baby, I grew up pleasing everyone around me and found the easiest way to do that was to dive deep into Christianity.

2010-2012: The start of my nomadic years. After attending a religious college for a week, having a mental breakdown and not being able to leave my dorm room, I moved back home. Thank god I did. That college would have left me $120,000 in debt with a degree to be a missionary (*cue laugh track). Who is letting 18 year olds decide this shit??!

Ended up moving to Hungary to go to a Bible College my family had ties with. Both an equally wonderful and incredibly repressed time in my life! Seeing the world changed me.

2013-2015: Moved to Chicago to continue my studies at the "Harvard of Bible Colleges" Moody Bible Institute. I was so proud of that label at the time. It was hard to get into because it was tuition free, and a lot of famous people in the evangelical world were bred there. Again, my time there has given me some of the best memories and some of the deepest hurts. Someday I'll get into it more.

2015-2016: I panicked. Something wasn't right. 3am in my dorm's laundry room I called my mom to come pick me up. I was done with college. Something in me knew that I was needed elsewhere, and elsewhere was in Ohio with my grandmother who was dying of Alzheimers. During those months I was with her, I saw the best and worst of my family. That was when I grew up and started a whole new journey.

At the end of the year I met the guy who would be my first boyfriend. At the age of 25 I felt BEHIND. He was a jerk, but he taught me a lot before he ended up in jail (not my proudest of choices). Cue the dating montage! All kinds of men, old, young and pretty much everything in between, and even one woman. I was curious about all of them, but entranced by none.

In mid 2016 I met a man who would later become my husband.

2017-2018: After dating for only a handful of months, my job as a nanny relocated from Chicago to Austin, TX. I took Raul to Texas Roadhouse to break the news (I thought it was funny). Not sure what I expected from his reaction, but he took a deep breath and said, "Looks like we're moving to Texas!"

Boy, that was short lived.

We spent a wonderful year in Texas, but family was in the midwest and the housing prices in Austin would have forced us to live in a one bedroom apartment indefinitely. My nanny kids were growing up and it only made sense to move closer to home. So two months before our wedding, we moved to Indiana where I grew up.

I worked at a daycare and Raul worked at Best Buy, and it felt like we were starting over from scratch in our late 20's. I took a 50% pay cut and some days we couldn't even afford a gallon of milk, but we worked through it.

2019-Now: Raul and I both got new jobs and bought our first house in a small town. It's idyllic. We have close friends we spend our weekends with and tomato plants on our front porch. My nieces and nephews are ten minutes down the road. At 30 I finally feel settled. For now at least.

If you got to the end of this, congratulations, here's a trophy because you're a champ. I don't know if my life is wild or boring compared to anyone else's, but it is what it is.

-Lo