Let's talk about ADHD...

...and probably a bunch of other stuff because I can't talk in a straight line.

Tik Tok took my 2020 life by storm. The pandemic raged outside and my husband and I worked through a lot of depression and stress, so our favorite thing to do was to cuddle and watch video after video together. Little did I know that this would lead to another significant diagnosis for my 30 year old self.

After I began liking videos, the algorithm started plopping some very specific things into my timeline. All of the videos were women in their late 20's to mid 30's sharing their experience of being diagnosed with ADHD later in life. You see, for people like those tiktokers and I, our ADHD didn't present itself in a way that most doctors understood.

I had excellent grades all through school and I was really well behaved. What the doctors didn't know and what I couldn't convey, is that my brain NEVER stopped. I didn't understand the concept of relaxing. I only understood the concept of avoiding my to do list by engaging my brain in hours of mindless television, and hating myself every second for it.

Another thing that I didn't know was related was sensory overload. God forbid you try to talk to me while the radio is playing, I will not be able to hear you. My mom used to wrestle me because I hated the feeling of that seam over the toe part of socks. I'd throw a fit until she'd let me wear them inside out. Oh, and shoes had to be a size too big or I'd feel like my toes were fusing together. Going barefoot is still my favorite.

Those all seem like silly little things, but as I got older, the more this invisible passenger threw me for a loop.

High School Drop Out (kind of.)

Dropping out of my large high school with a class of 500. Just thinking about being shoulder to shoulder in the hallways with hundreds of other hormonal teens still makes me want to puke. It was a long and traumatic journey, but I ended up switching to a tiny high school with ten kids in my class and was able to thrive.

College Drop Out

Two out of three college experiences ended with me unable to leave my dorm room due to sensory overload. The amount of energy it took to just function was incredible. Literally, the main reason I went to school overseas was that I wouldn't be able to bail on the experience easily.

Career? What's that?

Finding a job and sticking to it. I've never had a career path that I've loved. When I was little I wanted to be a janitor, a poet, an artist, or a missionary. Looking back, it makes perfect sense. I didn't want to be held down by a corporate 9-5. My passions were more important than my paycheck (although, at 30, I can see why people like those corporate job$.)

I have been a tanning bed cleaner, a preschool teacher, a librarian, a caregiver, an office assistant, a customer service lead, a nanny... All in the illusive search for a career that brings meaning to my life.

The Diagnosis

My life finally started making sense. All of the struggles, all of the self hatred and frustration, they weren't because I was broken or unfixable. My brain just worked differently than normal and needed a little help.

When the doctor asked why I was there, my lovely husband told the doctor that TikTok convinced me that I had ADHD and he agreed (Doctors don't like it when people use google to diagnose themselves. I'm not sure how they feel about TikTok though.)

Thankfully, I am now on medication, and to say that it is life changing would be an understatement. I was finally able to truly enjoy life without fear or anxiety for the first time since I was a child.

I know there are other people out there like me, struggling to stay alive because each day feels too hard. If any of my story resonates with you, please find a doctor who will listen. I know they are hard to find and I know they are expensive as fuck (US healthcare is a scam), but the other side is pretty amazing. Hang in there!

Cheers,

-Lo