Fuck the US Health Care System

Definitely thought I was going to die.

When did I get so old?

Last week I started to feel a little... off (for lack of a better word). I had a stressful meeting with a psychiatrist to confirm that I was on the right meds for my ADHD. $300 later, she told me that I should be on different meds, but because I don't have health insurance, the monthly cost would be hella nuts. They also require a monthly drug test and check-ups every two months ($$$)... This is our community mental health center. The cheapest place to go and I still can't afford the care I need. Fuck the US Healthcare system. But I digress.

Whether this was stress, gluten, or virus induced, by Friday night I felt like I was dying. My ears were ringing, I felt like I was going to pass out, my back was seizing up, my chest was heavy, and I was doubled over with sharp stomach pain. First thought of course was a heart attack, and if I was smart I would have tossed on some pants and moseyed on over to our local ER. But for people like me (the uninsured) we have to take a few things into consideration.

1- Will this ER visit send us into spiraling debt? Good ol' Google shared that the visit alone would probably cost us between $1,500- $3,000 just to be seen. If I was indeed having a heart attack, my care could cost upwards of $75,000. We could lose our house, we could lose everything.

2- How will I deal with the time off of work that I need? We get one paid week of time off. Period. Whether you're sick or going on vacation, you've only got 5 precious days, and the company provides no health benefits.

3- If it was gluten related, the ER isn't going to have any idea about this. They're going to run a bunch of expensive tests that will show nothing.

Those things at the forefront of my mind, I hunkered down and started trying to clear my system. I halted my medications in exchange for laxatives and held on for dear life. TMI: I hadn't been having regular booty movements that day and even the laxatives were not helping. I'm also anemic, so I don't know if that makes a difference.

I slept as much as possible and started feeling a little better by Saturday afternoon. But then the rollercoaster started all over again after I ate some gluten free crackers. And that's how it's been all weekend. Up and down every time I eat.

WHY AM I OVERSHARING, YOU ASK?

Because I still don't know what's wrong with me and I'm hoping someone has some insight.

So here is a list of my symptoms and a few theories I've come up with:

- Nausea (Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning I was over the toilet.)

- The sorest of boobs (I'm not pregnant. Multiple tests have been taken.)

- Tightness in lower back, upper back, stomach and ribs. My muscles keep on knotting up even though my beast of a husband has eviscerated the suckers multiple times.

- Friday night and Saturday morning I was really light headed and my ears were ringing.

- Trouble taking a full breath

- It felt like everything I ate got stuck in my esophagus or upper part of my stomach.

- Body aches

- Fever/Chills

- Headache

- Ear Ache

- Dry irritated sinuses only on my left side

- Constipation/Pale stools

Theory 1: Heart attack. Friday night and Saturday morning, I was pretty sure I was going to die and that it was a heart attack.

Theory 2: Severe glutening. I was bad last week. Like masochistically bad. We're talking pizza, breadsticks, subs, breaded mushrooms. Anything and everything I shouldn't eat, I did, because it was a rough week. Maybe my body was finally done with my shit and decided putting me on a twisted episode of Scared Straight MD was the way to kick my ass into gear. (Spoiler alert: It worked.)

Theory 3: Some kind of insane stomach bug. My body is just about as dramatic as you can get when it comes to infections. Ever since I was a nanny and had kids who kept giving me super bugs, I've never quite handled infections as well as I used to. It's Monday now and my husband it having some flu-like symptoms, so this would make sense.

Theory 4: Some kind of medication fuck up? TW: Suicide... When I was in high school, I tried to get away from my depression by taking a bunch of pills. I felt the same way I did then on Friday and Saturday. The ringing in the ears, the dizziness. It all felt like deja vu. My spastic brain has the memory of a goldfish, so did I accidentally double dose my meds?

Theory 5: I have a raging infection and I'm going septic (thank you anxiety). I had a tooth pulled about a month ago and it was pretty traumatic. My bones broke, and I had to beg them to pull shards out that were jammed into my gums afterwards. It was an ordeal and my mouth hasn't felt the same since. Because there's still a hole in my gums and my ear and sinuses on that side of my face are hurting, do I have a sinus infection that could kill me? Ever since I read one of those Facebook clickbait articles about a doctor whose patient came in with a mouth infection and it was basically certain death, I've been convinced that this is how I will die.

Theory 6: Covid-19? Because why not.

Theory 7: Some kind of vaping side effect . I started vaping about a month ago to try to cut down on actual smoking. (I know, both are terrible for you. But smoking is actually an important part of my journey to emotional healing which I will get into another time.) There are people who are poisoned by it, although usually these people are super vapers that go through a ton. My cheap ass won't do that.

If you read all of this anxiety fever-dream, bless you. You have an amazing attention span and an unusually high level of patience. But also, have you experienced anything like this before?

You'll be happy to know that since Saturday, I have cut out all gluten and have upped my water intake significantly. All snarkiness aside, the whole thing really scared me. I want to be around for my husband, my family, my friends, my nieces and nephews. And I'm going to do what it takes to listen to my body.

(Also, #healthcareforall please. People shouldn't have to decide between crippling debt and possible death.)

Cheers,

-Lo